Correspondence w/ Cali

Here is a forwarded note I received today from a liberal friend:

Dear President Bush:

Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually,we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving you. California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, all of the North East States, and the urban half of Ohio.

We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then. God is going to give us the Pacific Ocean and Hollywood. In addition, we’re getting San Diego. (Sorry, that's just how it goes.) But God is letting you have the KKK and country music (except the Dixie Chicks).

Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to need all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight in Falujah, just ask your evangelical voters. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. Andthey don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their kids’ caskets coming home.

So, you get Texas and all the former slave states, and we get the Governator and stem cell research. (We would love you to take BritneySpears off our hands, though. She IS from the south, right?)

Since we get New York, you'll have to come up with your own late night TV shows because we get MTV, Letterman, the Daily Show, and Conan O'Brien. You get... well, why don't you ask your people at Fox News to come up with something entertaining? (Maybe you should just watch Crossfire. That's a really funny show.)

We wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Soon.

Sincerely,
California

 

Now here is my response:

Dear California,

Congratulations on your ignorance.  You didn't let us down.  =)

Congratulations on implying only evangelicals voted for Bush.  Actually, I've heard of many gays who supported definition-of-marriage amendments in the nine states that swept this reform opportunity.  Log Cabin republicans, for example.

Congratulations on assuming everyone in California -- the majority of whom kicked out a democrat governor and replaced him with a republican Bush-promoter -- wants to secede from the union.  Ask Fresno, Orange County, California farmers, San Jose, Santa Barbara, and others - they might be pretty ticked off with the rest of YOU.  Like Kerry with Mary Cheney, don't selfishly and ignorantly speak on behalf of those you neither know nor represent.

And most of all, Cali, congratulations on being ignorant enough to think the other blue states want to join you in this crusade.

This State also spoke to God, and (S)He laughed with face in hand and said, "Well, those are California liberals for you!"  We understood God's humble embarrassment.  Perhaps (S)He was laughing at your saying you'd get to keep Hollywood and San Diego "in addition" to California.  (All kidding aside, you might wanna first ask SD voters about that first.)

However, the rest of us don't mind if you take Haight Ashbury or the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals with you!  And after your secession, you'll have to kiss our ass before you beg us to take you back.  (Sorry, but that's just the way it goes.)

As for pulling the blue states' soldiers from war, you should first ask them if they even want abandon their duty to return, let alone for your cause.  After all, if you're pro-choice, certainly you're pro-letting-them-choose-for-themselves, right?  Otherwise you'd be a country full of hypocrites. 

Also, name one US citizen who "sends [his or her] kids... to their deaths for absolutely no purpose."  This is the most ignorant line of your declaration, California.

Kids don't fight in wars.  Kids aren't enlisted into the military or "sent" anywhere by their parents.  Soldiers are not sent to die, they're sent to fight and to do their jobs.  One's own death or serious injury is sadly a possible consequence of enlistment, but it is never his or her destination.  And soldiers DO fight with a purpose, whether or not YOU agree with it. 

And how dare you, California, refer to consenting adults who volunteer to do something most selfless -- as "kids."  What an insult to those you pretend to support.

Having names of fallen soldiers, maybe with their pictures, printed in newspapers and magazines and read on Live national news broadcasts is respectful and in good taste.  One's funeral is private, as should remain the return of coffins to this country.  Have some respect for the fallen!  Especially when you want it just to promote your anti-war politics.  How dare you try to exploit these deaths to push your own personal agenda. 

If these Americans wanted to be in front of cameras for your enjoyment, they'd go to Hollywood - not to Camp Pendleton.  This policy existed before Bush took office, but I never heard you shout for this when caskets returned from Bosnia, from Herzegovina, or from Kosovo. 

Thank you, California, for letting the rest of us keep Texas and "all the other slave states."  I'm sure that includes Mississippi, which integrated all state public schools more than ten years before Massachusetts followed MS's progressive example.

As for your Governator, I remind you that he's not likely to let you secede, either.  And for the last time, stem cell research is promoted by Bush and those who voted for him.  As for EMBRYONIC stem cell research, don't forget Bush is the only president who's ever allowed any federal funding to pay for it.  (And yes, it was a relevant issue during Clinton's presidency, as well.)

You can take MTV with you, but we'll keep Letterman (who lives in Montana and is from Indiana, two red states).  You can take Jon Stewart, but we'll keep Conan (who's adamant about staying publicly politically impartial - like the smartest, funniest comedians should).  As for Crossfire, that takes place in D.C., which was also a blue region, so I guess you can keep that after all!

(And thanks for letting us keep FOX.  They air "Family Guy" and that's the funniest show on TV!)

Good luck to you, too, California.  Whether or not you secede, thanks for the best wishes.  And good luck finding your missing brains of mass distortion.  Seriously.  Soon.


Hugs and Kisses,
Ohio

p.s.  Urban, rural, metro, suburban - we're gonna stick together as Ohioans, as Americans, b/c we're proud to be who and where we are - even if we disagree.  We'll always be stronger for it, too. 

So, with all due respect, piss off.  =)